if found please return to.......

and not all those who return feel found. i though it was time to revisit blogging, dispite my laptop caps button not working and several keys now missing because as yet i still haven't gotten our kitten a sctatch post.... i have felt so lost in the past few years, pathetic as that may sound. following my mother's day postin i just couldn't find the soul in it anymore. i felt so many things were missing in my life, that i wasn't functioning well as a single mummy and my every parenting decision was being questioned or mocked as poor judgement and more selfishly, that i needed to find someone to share life with, i had so little adult conversation, so little anything that i felt i was disappearing......lost

i used to love venturing and being lost as a child but as an adult loosing focus is not such a happy place. it is all too easy to wish for more, or worse to envy, and i have done. it's that very state of mind that looses you in the first place. the most blessed years of my life have no doubt also been the most difficult also but you wise yourself up.....eventually, and smell the flowers and get on with. i only pray i keep finding my way and seth grows with a strengthenrd sense of his own direction. we'll get their, as for love, time waits for no man.....and perhaps neither should i..... time to get lost in little ventures of daily living, and all else will follow or pail into insignificance.... either way, i am ready for it.

Mothering Sunday

To my lovely mother

who has had to watch on while I have tripped through relationships and refused her good advice. Who has much too often been on the reciving end of my pain. Who I am sure many times has felt why, oh why has this daughter been sent to try me! There may be many things we haven't agreed on, but you have always been there, with me for the dark days, making me feel worthy of the brighter days. Only now do I see your strength, your wise words, your loving ways. I think you are wonderful. Thank you mummy, I love you xxx

To my beautiful children
DAISY

my beautiful flower, you were taken from me before we ever had the chance to share all those moments I had dreamt of. Daisy died in labour at full term following a very healthy pregnancy. There was no explination, no medical findings, just love, loss, pain and bittersweet joy. I had 24 hours to hold, kiss and love you. Read to you, pray with you, cry, see your eyes, stroke your soft pink skin. I have a lifetime of knowing you have made my life better. A lifetime of knowing you allowed me to become your mother. You are my little compass giving direction in new and difficult terrain, you are my embers of hope, my belief that love exceeds all, even the veil of death. I have longed many moments, your first smile, the light in your eyes, plaiting your hair, making daisy chains. I can have that all in my dreams. I will hold you once more one day my beautiful girl. Be free little spirit. Thank you. I love and miss you so much. xxx



Where Daisy rests x

The little hand that guides me!

SETH

my gorgeous, bubbly, sweet natured boy. You have brought much joy to my life, with your curiosity and energy, with new learning and having to be on the ball :) You arrived by c-section, following a failed induction when they realised you had gone breech! It truely was a blessing. You arrived safely and they discoved your cord had prolapsed and had a true knot! Perhaps a little angel was watching over us ;) Each new day is filled with wonder, fun, little adventures. We've had a complicated journey, moved back to Norn Iorn, where mummy grew up, became a single parenting family. We are still here, still smiling and the journey is only really beginning! I have much to be thankful for, and I thank you. I love you my beautiful boy xxx

Into the world/earthside.

Hello little fella

Truely a knot!

the thing with Spring...

JOY JOY JOY It is to wake to a day of sunshine! I'm not pretending to believe that from here to the end of October will be weatherly biss (but wouldn't it be wonderful) but I am deeply excited about the beginning of spring and how it has unsettled my melencholy mood.

I took pictures of the chicken's at mum's finally in there new ark, and the first lambs born this year, so sweet and curious. Comet definately senses spring as he is becoming a little frisky in his stable.




I have been pondering alot lately on my life. About relationships. Off which I have little common sense or luck. I really do miss the comfort a relationship brings, expecting someone home for tea, sofa evenings, doing things together, laughing with someone. I have now been single over a year, and part of me feels is it much to early for me to want to move on, I have a son now, a young son, is it possible to move on. Seth is indeed my world.
I have spent winter in the deepest of moods at times and as I lay in bed last night I realised this, I have got through the first Jan/Feb in 4 years that has not been laced with some relationship turmoil. That hasn't ment I have been yet again felt rejected within my relationship, or that I haven't foolishly decided it will work, just one more try. This year I couldn't be hurt, I was single, I got through Jan/Feb unscaved. I made it to the Spring without feeling my heart might be pulled out. All that feeling down through the beginning of the new year and then I realise why.
In the same light, as much as I do crave to be in a loving relationship, it can't be forced and I now see the time isn't right. To feel such relief at not having the same tragic pattern repeat itself says alot. It certianly says I really couldn't deal with any hiccups a new relationship may bring. Not yet. So I step into spring a single woman still, and all the better for it. I have had a lot to get my little head around these past few years. Perhaps this is my time to grow, and flower. To have fun being me, being Seth's mama, being Daisy's mama and to hope in my heart when the healing is done, when I can laugh a little more with myself, that I may possibly find love, one where I don't need to ever feel, just one more try.

Spring forward

Oh how bored am I of murky wintery days. Yes the cosy fire is lovely and all the extra book reading. Perhaps I am feeling a little sorry for myself because I spent 5 nights at my parents and returned to very little oil and a cold house and have the ugly task of paying out yet more money to heat my home in the most unearthkindly of ways. But hey, spring is creaping in. Soon my toes will feel a little warmer, walks will be more appealing, and we can spend a little more time outdoors without the fear of frostbite! Peering out the window now I can see the frostbite potential is definately still there!
This month I packed up my tv. Not only do I take offence to paying a fortune for a telly licence but at the minute it is another 20 squid a month that I'd much rather put towards yummy dinners and I can't really afford both luxuries. So heres to more book reading, creative play, story telling and crafting! I have also managed a month without a mobile phone! Shocking! How will my fingers and thumb recover from lack of text!
What else....heavens my life seems so quiet lately. Not to be sniffed at but I long for more sunshine and activity. I'm going to busy myself with lists and prepairations, ordering veg garden seeds, getting my season swap done and adding to my on bare looking table, sorting the spare room, writing to lovely friends, searching for someone Amilee style who I want to thank!
I subscribed to The Mother, I must confess I childishly blushed that my handsome postman may have seen the envelope and though me strange! I wondered if I had bought into a raving, influencing magazine of deep witchery....I can definately be very silly at times. I read, and then there were no more questions. What a wonderful, eye opening publication. No it isn't all my cup of tea but it is enlightening, thought provoking and joyus... I am so glad I have subscribed.
I'm reading Unconditional Parenting at the moment. Food for thought in this book, I never dreamt I would be reconsidering the effects of praise or that I would be delving into child psychologies in the hope of creating family security. This is a challenging modern world though. I'm a bit of a slow reader, needed to make notes as I can be forgetful, so the book is all slowly unfolding.
It's nearing 1am, and even thought I am very happy to see my computer after 5 nights without my trusty keybord companion, my toes are cold and my eyes weiry, time for a hot water bottle and bed!
I'm a bit rubbish at maintaining my at least once a weekly blogging resolution! Perhaps it will improve...and with photos. Ok off to bed.........zzzzzzzz

Chucks and glenns

Still it has been a quiet start to the new year. For most part we have been taking in the simplicities of day to day life with the odd hiccup. Though we have had a little too many in this past week. Our boiler went, then our toilet blocked and has been a complete pain in the arse, for want of a better word! Then the washing machine. We got two lovely new golden Silkie chicks who are great, but unfortunately one died on Monday. Poor Kulu is all alone until we can find her a friend again.

I have been outdoors more though, which is also a wonderful thing. And yesterday when doing the dishes I had the awesome view of a Buzzard hunting. I never knew such birds exsisted in Northern Ireland when I was growing up, as my first sight of a bird of prey was a Kestral on a Scottish island. I'm not sure why I didn't see them as a child. My brother also has a nesting pair near his home. LOL, don't laugh at me, these things excite me! Also it seems, and I say this without having any evidence yet, but my sisters saw them, that we may have a pair of Barn Owls near my parents!!! I seen one about 4 years back and was so excited, so I am delighted they have been spotted again! Lots of birdy things happening over the past few weeks!

Some pics to share our moments....

walking in the glenn


old and new


cute chicks
our lovely Silkies in their arrival box, Yai (closest to the camera, sadly died this week :( )


and crazy chicks, Seth's aunties, who would kill me if they knew I posted this!


one snuggly boy with his Aunte Irene

and a picture of Dad, who I had a bit of a tift with today. I couldn't resist posting this, the country man in Rome! Love you Dad, your awkward daughter. :)

A new year

Happy New Year all! Hoping it is a wonderful one!

I'm a bit unfestively late with the greetings. Christmas and New Year have kept me busy with organising and illness, both of which are not my friends! Seth barely ate for over a week on the run up to Christmas, then began to slowly improve from the most nasty stomach bug. Then swine flu came to visit the family home and is still lingering. I don't feel fluey but I have had the most unusual feeling on my chest, like it's being pressed, like the air isn't quite reaching the depth of my lungs when I breath, sometimes it is worse than others. It's how mum's flu began, so I am being careful, plenty of elderberry syrup, elderflower tincture, manuka honey, lemon, ginger....any little cold/flu/sort throat warding thing. Seth's throat seems to have improved, so fingers cross we have skimmed the nasty bug.

Ok I'm blethering, isn't that what blogs are for though! Talking of blethering, Betty I stole your link to the blog background. I love gorguss, I bought one of her pieces off Etsy last spring. It still hasn't made the wall yet so that can be a thing to do this week!

I hesitated when typing hope it's a wonderful one, I have came into 2010 with such high hopes, it is the first new year I have been single in 11 years. So I felt I needed to reflect alot on making the most of my status, finding my feet and growing. Big changes in themselves. In reality the year has began differently, that snow, beautiful and doing a good job of making the days slow and easy, but how it got me down. I spent too long without someone to chatter to face to face...in an adult way. Plenty of chatter with Seth though, which is always lovely. On a more emotional and personal note two of my dear friends have had losses. The lost of a little baby growing in 1st tremester and of a grandfather who suffered a severe stroke. The heartbreak of Haiti is so unimaginable. So many helpless images, how do we manage to cut ourselves off from that reality and go about our business.
http://crafthope.com/ are selling some gorgeously crafted donations to raise funds for Haiti. I have spotted a few potential buys!

It certianly give me more to think about than what I want for 2010. This should be eveybody's year, a year of community spirit, I get the feeling we may need it and benefit greatly from it. So wishing you all a wonderful new year of community spirit.

xxx

gorgeous giveaway

Just wanted to share this giveaway of beautiful handmade felted folk and naturally dyed crayons. Pop your comment down for a chance!

http://gardenmama.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/11/imagine-childhood---two-part-giveaway.html

The Kingdom of Mourne - Book Sharing

Keira the faerie is different from her friends because her wings shine so brightly. They tease her and so she ventures where they won't to be alone, close to the town, where the humans are!
When she discovers some smugglers making their way into the Kingdom of Mourne, faerie teritory Keira's bright wings save the day!
I love that the art is local and recognisable, the Mourne Wall, Silent Valley and Newcastle Bay.

Christmas crafting countdown

It's the 22nd November....already! How does that happen. I planned to be the Mrs Beeton type and have Christmas gifts all sealed up in their kilner jars by now but I still haven't so much as managed to get the sloes in the gin! I added a little festive scene to my blog because , well it makes me smile and maybe it will make me think, stop typing, go to the kitchen and make! In all fareness it has been an eventful Autumn and I'm still slowly unpacking. But I'll leave the rest until after Christmas now and being ticking off my list of gifts (much more satisfying and fun) So here is the list to keep me going:

Yummy things:
sloe gin
snowflake biscuits
brownies
fudge
marshmallow
15's

Smelly things:
bath bombs
scented candles
goats milk soap
salt/sugar scrub

Crafty things:
finger puppets
juggling toys
door stop
knitted mobile cover
baby socks
cross-stitch horse pic - almost finished!
cards

Decorations:
popcorn garland
dried fruit
felted tree decorations
felted reindeer
tree top angel
birdseed pinecones

And there is the season swap to add! Phew, that should mean every night is a crafting night! Am I being realistic. it's my first attempt at a homemade Christmas of this scale! Usually it's a few peppermint creams and a lot of shop bought panic! Wish me luck....

33 crafting evenings to go!

and our new home

Just sharing pic of my new home before we decended upon it, the were take back in July but I couldn't upload them until I got my new card reader. It is looking alot more lived in these days and thats with only about a third ot the boxes unpacked! Thank goodness for sheds and garages!

space!

lots of space for fun in the garden and potted veg!

lovely country views beyond the hedge, not the best pic to give it juctice

starlings decending

and quickly off again.

time in England

Lovely moments between the packing of boxes and stressing!

boo!

anyone for pumkin soup!

Kingsdown church

visiting Daisy (and having a good old look....mmmm whattoy can I pinch!)

birthday bits and pieces for Daisy

too the dungeons, naughty boys!!!

giving it a go at Dover Castle

fun with cousin Millie and Aunty Emma

with Grandma oat her 60th dinner

on Deal beach

the view from my old living room window...blissful

and the view from the horse lorry as we drove off....my home for 4 years, goodbye Penrose :(
my love too all we left behind, but not for long, see you in the Spring xxx

rainbows through the rain.......and wee Harry

Once again it's felt like too long since I last blogged. These past few weeks have been hectic. A few days after Seth's birthday we travelled back to Kent to pack up all my belongings and say goodbye to the place that has been my home for almost 11 years. This also fell on Daisy's 2nd anniversary, which I definately wanted to be in Kent for, it was so meaningful just to be closer to her resting place. This will be my pilgrim journey for the years to come, it's one of the few ways I can truely mother amy beloved daughter, visiting, remembering and loving her.

I seemed to have moved alot in the past few years, like it's a hobby, but I loath it! The unsettlement, change, flustering, packing, borrowing of boxes, sorting, labelling. All with a very bemused Seth to busy me through the day....and night. I can't help wonder how confused he must feel....or more that his one consistant figure is so confused lately. We got there though. We got to spend time with a handful of special people that have been part of my past 11 years, we managed to squeeze most of what I collected over the years, into the big horse lorry, including Comet, my Welsh Mountian Pony!!!

It's a hell of a journey by road when you can only peek 45mph. We had a welcome stop with my dearest of friends in Blighty, Lucy, Ben and Ted, but I didn't get to see lovely Lucy who was working away. Thank you 3 B,L,T! At 3am 35 hours after we set out we pulled up at mum and dad's, camped there for 3 days before even attempting to offload at home, only a mile up the road.

I can't believe it's behind me, the biggest leap. For the longest time I have felt stuck in limbo. Too many emotions and reasons to add here but I will perhaps in another post. This past 3 years has been the most memorable and difficult journey, I'm just praying for new energy in my mothering, my life, my home. A little hint of rainbow through the rain....hell, a great big wopping rainbow really!!!

And wee Harry. I wanted to share a moment for our dear family friend Harry who died today aged 83. A true gem, full of character and wit with a gentle soul. Harry was, as dad puts it, 'wild as a crow!' he took life by the horns, travelled Europe by motorbike in his 70's, ventured alone to Australia an NZ last year. Loving thoughts to his family, and to my dad, who I know loved his dear friend.

Birthday Boy

Phew, what a lovely weekend! My friends Lucy, Ben and Ted came the long haul from Luton, as did Paul, Seth's daddy. Seth turned one and we had a little party, I think I misunderestimated how hectic parties can be...am still tidying up but it was all good fun. So many pressies that I feel I will go down the simplicity route for Christmas, I can't stop playing playing with them myself though! My lovely Ostheimer animals have been waiting around the fireplace for their time in play while the bright noisy plastic toys are in favour...(tut tut Lucy Lou if your reading this! He does love his bus though.) Seth had the most beautiful birthday crown made by a very talented gp mama and we had a general apple theme as the was also Apple Day!








My not very healthy party spread! There was a crunchy caterpillar there though.

We have had a lazy Sunday, lazing, reading, dancing, singing and eating phhh and our healthy effort, a walk to the park. I love autumn, the colours, the freshness of the air and the glow of nature. And I love the restfulness of the darkening evenings, giving Seth a warm bath, warm drink, a story before bedtime and a cuddle and feed to sleep. What a lovely day we have had....such a shame everyone returns to England tomorrow....the house will feel so quiet!












Being grown up!


Being one!